Procrastinated Determination

Well, I've had a few weeks of - life. The difficult portion that we don't like, yet it's inevitable. During these times, it's important to remember that it is temporary and the good times will return again.

Forgiveness and letting go have really paid-off, so to say. I have always had a bit of a problem being patient.   LOL, is what I'll say because that is what everyone who knows me thinks when the word 'patience' is used to describe me. Anyway, if you step on toes, you should not only step back and apologize; you should also patiently expect nothing. There is a maturity level which must be met, but if you can reach it a bit of nirvana may float your way.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get something you didn't expect.

Just be nice. And don't be afraid. And remind yourself of this the next time you fall down the rabbit hole, Alice. Don't drive the Hatter mad, he's harmless and kind.

Around the World

It's ironic how little credit you get for the countless laps of endless travel you do in your mind when the anxiety in your life is out of *ucking control.  If I could count the miles that my mind travels, I would have already circled the earth a few times.  I don't know that this is a 'disorder', well, it is.  That's not the point.  The point is you do not get credit for it -- no passport stamp, no warm fuzzy pictures, and no linguist practicamos.

Today it was beautiful outside and  I'm so damned depressed that I haven't even gone onto my front porch. I do not want to leave and I do not want to stay.  I am frozen, yet my mind is traveling.  If someone stamps it, will I get credit for the effort I've exerted today to merely stay awake and not cry? No, I won't.

Maybe tomorrow.

Resilient Wonderland

Why do some of us survive and why do other's fail? Well, my capstone project shed light on this question but did not solve the core issue. You usually do not try to fix things unless they are broken - and we don't always find social things worth the repair. But the passionate difference between love and hate is barely traceable. It takes as much energy to hate someone as it does to love them. This is why I view hate as the most negative & destructive emotion. It eats at you --- the hate as well as the lack of love.

It should go without saying that you can't have love in any form without a trace of hate cruising by to create balance. How the hell can you tell you love someone/something if you've never had a moment to hate it? If you've never known how to miss it? If it's never made you hurt?

The spectrum of love and hate are vast and blend together with ease that makes it nearly undetectable. We all want love, but not everyone is able to understand the subtle, hateful pain of loving relationships.

Conflict, Confusion, Comfort

There is a lot to be said for someone who is able to forgive. I have always forgiven easily . I think it's one of my stronger traits. I have some anger, which needs some forgiveness, regarding my employer. I just want paid for the time I have worked.

Anyway, I'm trying -- in every way imaginable. I mean, I'm literally speechless by the things that I am currently facing in my life. I feel as though we all have positive traits and negative ones. We also have to pay repercussions for the negative ways we act toward others.

A positive day to all.

Attention

I try my best to not write in a manner which will identify people. There are times when my examples are a bit specific, such as now.  We don't control who comes in to our lives but we have the ability to create who leaves it (or does not leave it) to the best of our ability.

I think that's why I have a sour taste in my mouth  -- I just want to open it all in a MS Word document & hit 'undo' about 10 times regarding this situation.  I mention this in passing and in no way want any type of attention or pity for my plight. I bet I'm not the first person to feel this way. It's not a regret, well, it is but I'm not angry with myself. I certainly wish I had been kinder, more understanding, or at least reciprocated the kindness I received.
Maybe that is regret, but it's not anger. I wish I hadn't hurt my sweet friend and wish them the best. There's no other way to put it.

Movement and Unattachment

The most curious part of life is the way it kicks your ass and then gives you enough of a reward to continue while having faith in the future. That sound euphemistic, but it's true. Once you ride through the rough part it actually surprises you once the tide changes. Yet, as emotional creatures, we either adjust or we don't and I'm very resilient so I adjust.

I hate to say I'm a bit excited about life, but I am. I have made so many adjustments recently that I have decided to continue being existential about it -- in a Zen way. =)   That sounds really irresponsible, yet allow me to explain.  From the moment I saw my father die when I was eight, I knew that life wasn't fair and sometimes it was really fucking cruel.  I know that I had no impact upon my father's death, yet his death impacted my life. Therefore, I have always had my unique spiritual look at life --- bad things happen to you but you don't have to react poorly to what you experience.

Poor reactions are usually caused by attachment to things or people which bring us happiness and prevent us from focusing upon the truly difficult things in our lives.  Obviously, this is a Buddhist perspective of our experience but it's a necessary way for me to think. I have a cut & paste religious perspective ---- but right now, I have had a moment to write & I spent it talking about religion; dammit!

Semi-Mortified

Here I am. I miss my mom. I miss having family and friend's and I have a difficult time with ALL holiday's. It's embarrassing to constantly feel that way so admitting it here is about as close as I'll ever get to admitting it.

I have tried and am going to continue trying to be the best person I can. I can't say that I've had a fabulous weekend, I won't say it was horrible. I can't say anything about this weekend -- well, I learned lessons this weekend. And learning is always a good thing. The subject matter may be annoying as hell, but if you don't get an opportunity to learn that, well, you'll be around things that are annoying as hell and soon you'll just accept it.

I want to be a likable person. I try to be likable and I think it's time for me to admit that I'm not doing a very good job. Not with the likability, but with the changing. My life has to change and I usually love it when this happens. I'm not so in love with it and I'm trying to not show any sort of weakness regarding this. It's human to dislike change, though. And there is usually positive ending. It's all about perspective.

Am I the 'asshole whisperer' --- if so, let's hope the asshole whisperer is quiet for the rest of the week!

rain, chimes, and thunder

I know each day is a learning experience but not every experience is pleasant. Today I have had several and they have all been really enjoyable. 1) Worrying is a complete waste of my time. 2) You have to speak before you assume.

I have two polar opposite friend's to thank for these lesson's and I appreciate what they have brought me. I am focusing less upon giving a damn if I am 'liked' or 'disliked' and more upon how I can be a better person, in general. Better to those who are or are not my friends - better to myself - better to my living environment - generally, better. I think the happiness I can achieve with this will be much more fulfilling than anything else I can do to improve myself. I like to think as endings as times in which I am able to reflect and improve myself in ways I have never imagined.

Now, I'll admit that it would be nice if I knew exactly what I did so I could pinpoint my annoying actions, but it's no longer important. You can only reach out to someone for SO long before you give-up on them. Honestly, they gave up on me many weeks ago; but, that's not important now, either.  I wish them the best and have to seek that for myself. I am deserving of it, even if it comes from an unexpected source.

Beautiful

It's difficult to write for me sometimes because I try not to be such a nihilist in what I am trying to convey.  I have had a few moments in my 'glass half full' perspective which have left me nearly jaded. No, I think I may be jaded already. Now, I have to not let any of that allow me to radiate negative. Shew. Ok.

Straight to the meat & potatoes --- I have had a very 'active' week and here I am taking a breather from it.  Having a bit of 'Time Stand Still', if you will.  Why do we (or I) care what other's think of us? It's such an age old question it seems trite to use it but it has a very deep underlying paradigm --- the reason we care what other people think about us is because we (as humans) do not like to be disliked or to feel cognitive dissonance. Regardless of how much of a bitch or asshole someone may seem, they truly do not 1) think they are being that negative 2) want to be seen that way or to continue to act that way.  Sure, plenty of negator's out there do it on purpose & like it but they will tire eventually.

I really dislike trying to analyze psychological situations so I avoid it. I think we should try to be nicer to one another and I should be the first one to begin this trend.

Better than Monday

Ok, I really hate to hear the phrase, "A case of the Monday's," and I won't. Yesterday was an extra superbly  nasty day! The motor for my car window died, so it was stuck in the down position, of course. It spiraled from there.

Today has been much better and I would say that existentially I am completely in touch with the many changes around me. I have this horrible ability to remain detached from people and things - is it horrible? I don't think it's a defense mechanism, yet I do not think that self-preservation is selfish. We are flawed beings and this does not mean that we are not responsible for the repercussions we receive.  I mean, am I existential or just lacking the ability to be able to take responsibility for my feelings and actions that effect the feelings of other's?

I'm so tired, back soon.

From the 13th

Monday. The 13th of August, 2012. I had the most spectacular day and received several fantastic gifts. I am not an extremely materialistic individual, but I have a few weaknesses.

Anyway, the question I hope to answer in the next 365 days is the following: how are people supposed to respond to negative & unexpected behavior? How about spontaneous yet pleasant behavior? It matters, trust me.

And here I am. At my neglected blog that I have vowed to keep exciting since 2008 - and you can see how exciting I've kept it --- with two entries.

But what brings me here is a that question - why? Why do people do what they do? I am a sociologist and I am not sure why people do what they do. I'm not sure if they are aware of how much pain or joy they cause one another. I am going to try to write about my lucky 13 -- the last year of my 30's -- and the year that I realized, well, we shall see.